Good enough

I have come to realize that I will never be good enough for my own expectations. I have very high standards for the things that I want to accomplish in my life. I'm not sure how I got to this point; but I am, however scared to push towards greatness. I'm not sure why this is, but I am terrified of being great, and I continue to sabotage myself every chance I get. I am not motivated by the things that used to really get me going. I have been searching to no avail for other things to get me going again. People sometimes ask me what is good in my life, and I can usually rattle off a few major things and a few minor things withing a few seconds. Lately, I am having trouble coming up with anything. Even major accomplishments for me are diminished when I compare myself to others in a similar situation (age, body type, etc...)

Recent accomplishments:

1. Deadlift 445 pounds. (I failed @ 465 twice)


2. 21 straight Pull-Ups. This is a pretty major deal that I am really proud of.
   

My problem is that I don't really have anything outside of training and exercise to talk about. I don't look like I train as much as I do. I have always had weight issues and it REALLY bothers me!!! I seem to have no control over myself when it comes to eating. I seem to have a lack of discipline which at the most simple level is my MAJOR problem. I don't want to be like this, but I'm not sure how I can get this back. I used to be very driven and seem to be struggling between that person and the person is alright with being average. Growing up,I never really went the extra mile to be the absolute best that I could be until I joined the Army. In the Army, I found the driven and motivated persona that I had always envisioned for myself. I was in great shape and had "real" confidence in myself and abilities.

I look back at that time of my life and I smile, but then I think about where I am now and I get depressed because I should have been so much further along in my life. I can envision two separate people living totally different lives. It's kinda like I was living a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book and I chose the wrong adventure and ended up where I am now. The kid that was "Soldier of the Year" is not me any more. I want desperately to get that back, but how? I can't go back in time, I am not as good an athlete as I used to be (I was never a world beater, but I could hold my own), My body doesn't heal as quickly and there are many other reasons this is not possible. It is possible however for me to be better than that... I just need to do the absolute best that I can every day and not be chicken shit. I need to focus on MY accomplishments and not compare them to anyone else. I CAN do that!!!

So now that I am reading this, I am at a crossroads right now. If I choose to follow the positive path then I will start to make strides in my life. If I choose the negative path, then I will continue to falter and sabotage myself. I choose the positive path.