Mental toughness

I have been struggling with my mental toughness lately. When I say lately, I mean the last few years. I'm not sure exactly when or how I lost it, but it is gone and I desperately want to get it back.

I used to be ultra competitive and would not quit anything because I felt like a failure if I did not complete it. I am keeping this ambiguous on purpose because lately, I have been failing myself in a lot of areas of my life lately.

I try to be positive and look for the positive in all situations, but lately I have been dwelling on my failures more than my successes. I know that I have to make a concious decision in order to make the change, but I am having trouble doing that. I talked to a freind about this the other day and he told me that at some point, I told myself that it was alright for me to fail, and I believed it. I can remember a point in 1994 that I failed, and I guess I never forgave myself for failing. I have accomplished a lot of things since that point, but everytime I fail at something, I think about that one day in 1994.

Back to 2010... I have difficulty running among other things...I have never been a speed demon on the track. You will never see me winning the Olympics for distance running, but I could hold my own. I have failed so much at running that now the second I start running, I get demoralized to the point that I just want to stop. I know that my body is strong enough to do it, but my mind holds me back from accomplishing this simple task. I go through the affirmations before I start (you're good enough, you CAN do this, you ARE strong enough, smart enough, etc...), but still the doubts enter the second my feet start moving.

Why can some people just "power" through and do things and yet I have difficulty? Are they stronger than me? Maybe. Are they better at running than me? Most definitely. The answer is more likely, they are mentally tougher than me. Mental toughness allows people to drive through pain and adversity to achieve a level of success.

This is affecting almost every aspect of my life. I seem to have no confidence in anything that I do lately. How do I change this? How do I get the toughness back? I don't know...Until I do, I will be going through the motions day by day...

What's going on with me...

Things that are going on…

Every time I see people whom I have not seen or kept in contact ask me what I have been up to. I guess it’s a normal every day question, but do they really care or are they just making small talk?

The real answer is that it is a little bit of both. They care, but not enough for you to catch them up on your life history since the last time that you saw them. The other part of that is do I really care about what they have going on?

So if you really would like to know what is going on with me, you can read this…

WORK:

I’m working at SunTrust downtown as a Quality Control Analyst. It’s alright, but can be very tedious work. Basically, I do something called stacking and packing. I am assigned a number of files to review and gather required documents on a checklist formulated by one of 5 different companies. I could be reviewing a file for Fannie Mae or a PMI company. They all have different requirements for the documents that they require. Each file that I review corresponds to a home or family that has hit such hard times that they are now in foreclosure and losing their home. Someone has to do it, but when I sit back and think about what I am actually doing it hurts my heart and makes it hard to sleep.

I’m still looking for a government job. Jim (my father) has been really helpful in using his contacts to make inquiries on my behalf. I have been doing a lot of research also. Getting a job with the government is very difficult and time consuming. It’s not like you can apply on a Monday and have a job by the following Monday. The process can take six months to a year for certain positions. I am trying desperately to get my foot in the door at any agency.

TRAINING:

I have been Cross Fitting 5 days a week for the past 2 months or so and have seen great improvements in my overall strength and fitness. Every night, I look at the next days’ WOD (Workout of the Day) and think this is going to be fun, BUT it’s going to be tough and I might die…J The workouts are designed to build strength, flexibility, explosivity and endurance. When I get to Crossfit Full Circle to actually do the WOD, I always feel good once I finish (well, after my heartbeat slows down and the feeling like I want to vomit goes away). When I tell my co-workers about my workouts, they look at me like I’m crazy. I won’t disagree with them either…The workouts are designed to be done with a high level of intensity while not sacrificing good form and technique.

The other part of training (BJJ) has been non-existent for the last 6 months. Before that, it was sporadic at best. I guess you could say that I got burned out on training so much. I had been training consistently for the previous 4 years prior to that. I still have a love for it, but now I almost feel out of place. At some point, I would like to get back to training. I don’t know when I will though.

DIET:

This goes along with my training. I have decided to really take this seriously, and make a REAL effort to get my diet/weight issues under control. I have been instructed to challenge myself by foregoing all processed sugar, dairy, and grains. I went shopping on Monday and bought some beef, chicken and fish for my protein, lots of veggies and seasonings/ marinades for cooking. I have not really been much of a cooker since I got divorced a few years ago. I would cook every now and again or make a sandwich; but as for actually cooking, I never really saw the point of cooking just for myself so I would mostly just eat out.

ME:

I don’t talk about my feelings a whole lot because I feel like I don’t really have anyone with whom I can share my feelings. For as long as I can remember, I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows. One minute I might be on top of the world and the next, I might be in the depths of despair. Most people that know me would say that I am a good person and fun to be around. I like to go out and be around people. I have been known to get very bad anxiety at times and get paralyzed and unable to do anything. When I make plans with people and don’t show up, that is what happened. It’s not because I don’t want to hang out, it is that I can’t. I’m working on the issue though, and it seems to be getting better.

DATING:

Dating sucks! I go out on dates from time to time, but nothing ever seems to last. I have not had any significant relationships since I got divorced almost 5 years ago. I find something wrong with every girl that I have dated and the few that were really cool were also bat shit crazy. One girl lived 2 hours away and driving down to see her every weekend got to be a hassle. I don’t mind driving, but she would not reciprocate and come to Richmond.

My ex-wife and I still talk and are good friends, but she is dating someone now and has 3 kids now. I still care for her and only want good things for her. No “BUT” to follow that statement… She is pretty awesome, and definitely wish things had worked out differently. It is what it is now…

JENNY:

Jenny is the coolest dog ever! She definitely got me through my tough times and makes my day better when I get to see her after a long day of whatever. I really enjoy taking her to the park for walks at every opportunity. She wants to catch a squirrel so badly, she can taste it. Her life would be complete at that point.

I think she knows that I have been really sad lately and wants me to be happy.

So, I guess this is what is going on with me for the time being. I just felt like I needed to write something down. I want to expand on some of these subjects later.