Viking Laws and Rules

I just saw this and thought that it was applicable to my self imposed challenge of accomplishing my goals and not being scared of success.

These are the laws of Vikings and if you look hard enough, there are similar laws or rules in just about every culture. I have not researched this but after reading them, they seem to be of a common sense approach to dealing with people and things. This reminds me of "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

My focus will be on the first two directives:

1. Be Brave and Aggressive- I need to stop being scared and fight for what I want. Attack one goal at a time versus trying to do everything all at once. I need to set priorities for what I want to accomplish and attack each objective with aggression!


2. Be prepared- In keeping with the spirit of the first law, I need to prepared for the attack on my objectives.

So now I just need to figure out what goals I want to attack...

Good enough

I have come to realize that I will never be good enough for my own expectations. I have very high standards for the things that I want to accomplish in my life. I'm not sure how I got to this point; but I am, however scared to push towards greatness. I'm not sure why this is, but I am terrified of being great, and I continue to sabotage myself every chance I get. I am not motivated by the things that used to really get me going. I have been searching to no avail for other things to get me going again. People sometimes ask me what is good in my life, and I can usually rattle off a few major things and a few minor things withing a few seconds. Lately, I am having trouble coming up with anything. Even major accomplishments for me are diminished when I compare myself to others in a similar situation (age, body type, etc...)

Recent accomplishments:

1. Deadlift 445 pounds. (I failed @ 465 twice)


2. 21 straight Pull-Ups. This is a pretty major deal that I am really proud of.
   

My problem is that I don't really have anything outside of training and exercise to talk about. I don't look like I train as much as I do. I have always had weight issues and it REALLY bothers me!!! I seem to have no control over myself when it comes to eating. I seem to have a lack of discipline which at the most simple level is my MAJOR problem. I don't want to be like this, but I'm not sure how I can get this back. I used to be very driven and seem to be struggling between that person and the person is alright with being average. Growing up,I never really went the extra mile to be the absolute best that I could be until I joined the Army. In the Army, I found the driven and motivated persona that I had always envisioned for myself. I was in great shape and had "real" confidence in myself and abilities.

I look back at that time of my life and I smile, but then I think about where I am now and I get depressed because I should have been so much further along in my life. I can envision two separate people living totally different lives. It's kinda like I was living a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book and I chose the wrong adventure and ended up where I am now. The kid that was "Soldier of the Year" is not me any more. I want desperately to get that back, but how? I can't go back in time, I am not as good an athlete as I used to be (I was never a world beater, but I could hold my own), My body doesn't heal as quickly and there are many other reasons this is not possible. It is possible however for me to be better than that... I just need to do the absolute best that I can every day and not be chicken shit. I need to focus on MY accomplishments and not compare them to anyone else. I CAN do that!!!

So now that I am reading this, I am at a crossroads right now. If I choose to follow the positive path then I will start to make strides in my life. If I choose the negative path, then I will continue to falter and sabotage myself. I choose the positive path.

Mental toughness

I have been struggling with my mental toughness lately. When I say lately, I mean the last few years. I'm not sure exactly when or how I lost it, but it is gone and I desperately want to get it back.

I used to be ultra competitive and would not quit anything because I felt like a failure if I did not complete it. I am keeping this ambiguous on purpose because lately, I have been failing myself in a lot of areas of my life lately.

I try to be positive and look for the positive in all situations, but lately I have been dwelling on my failures more than my successes. I know that I have to make a concious decision in order to make the change, but I am having trouble doing that. I talked to a freind about this the other day and he told me that at some point, I told myself that it was alright for me to fail, and I believed it. I can remember a point in 1994 that I failed, and I guess I never forgave myself for failing. I have accomplished a lot of things since that point, but everytime I fail at something, I think about that one day in 1994.

Back to 2010... I have difficulty running among other things...I have never been a speed demon on the track. You will never see me winning the Olympics for distance running, but I could hold my own. I have failed so much at running that now the second I start running, I get demoralized to the point that I just want to stop. I know that my body is strong enough to do it, but my mind holds me back from accomplishing this simple task. I go through the affirmations before I start (you're good enough, you CAN do this, you ARE strong enough, smart enough, etc...), but still the doubts enter the second my feet start moving.

Why can some people just "power" through and do things and yet I have difficulty? Are they stronger than me? Maybe. Are they better at running than me? Most definitely. The answer is more likely, they are mentally tougher than me. Mental toughness allows people to drive through pain and adversity to achieve a level of success.

This is affecting almost every aspect of my life. I seem to have no confidence in anything that I do lately. How do I change this? How do I get the toughness back? I don't know...Until I do, I will be going through the motions day by day...

What's going on with me...

Things that are going on…

Every time I see people whom I have not seen or kept in contact ask me what I have been up to. I guess it’s a normal every day question, but do they really care or are they just making small talk?

The real answer is that it is a little bit of both. They care, but not enough for you to catch them up on your life history since the last time that you saw them. The other part of that is do I really care about what they have going on?

So if you really would like to know what is going on with me, you can read this…

WORK:

I’m working at SunTrust downtown as a Quality Control Analyst. It’s alright, but can be very tedious work. Basically, I do something called stacking and packing. I am assigned a number of files to review and gather required documents on a checklist formulated by one of 5 different companies. I could be reviewing a file for Fannie Mae or a PMI company. They all have different requirements for the documents that they require. Each file that I review corresponds to a home or family that has hit such hard times that they are now in foreclosure and losing their home. Someone has to do it, but when I sit back and think about what I am actually doing it hurts my heart and makes it hard to sleep.

I’m still looking for a government job. Jim (my father) has been really helpful in using his contacts to make inquiries on my behalf. I have been doing a lot of research also. Getting a job with the government is very difficult and time consuming. It’s not like you can apply on a Monday and have a job by the following Monday. The process can take six months to a year for certain positions. I am trying desperately to get my foot in the door at any agency.

TRAINING:

I have been Cross Fitting 5 days a week for the past 2 months or so and have seen great improvements in my overall strength and fitness. Every night, I look at the next days’ WOD (Workout of the Day) and think this is going to be fun, BUT it’s going to be tough and I might die…J The workouts are designed to build strength, flexibility, explosivity and endurance. When I get to Crossfit Full Circle to actually do the WOD, I always feel good once I finish (well, after my heartbeat slows down and the feeling like I want to vomit goes away). When I tell my co-workers about my workouts, they look at me like I’m crazy. I won’t disagree with them either…The workouts are designed to be done with a high level of intensity while not sacrificing good form and technique.

The other part of training (BJJ) has been non-existent for the last 6 months. Before that, it was sporadic at best. I guess you could say that I got burned out on training so much. I had been training consistently for the previous 4 years prior to that. I still have a love for it, but now I almost feel out of place. At some point, I would like to get back to training. I don’t know when I will though.

DIET:

This goes along with my training. I have decided to really take this seriously, and make a REAL effort to get my diet/weight issues under control. I have been instructed to challenge myself by foregoing all processed sugar, dairy, and grains. I went shopping on Monday and bought some beef, chicken and fish for my protein, lots of veggies and seasonings/ marinades for cooking. I have not really been much of a cooker since I got divorced a few years ago. I would cook every now and again or make a sandwich; but as for actually cooking, I never really saw the point of cooking just for myself so I would mostly just eat out.

ME:

I don’t talk about my feelings a whole lot because I feel like I don’t really have anyone with whom I can share my feelings. For as long as I can remember, I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows. One minute I might be on top of the world and the next, I might be in the depths of despair. Most people that know me would say that I am a good person and fun to be around. I like to go out and be around people. I have been known to get very bad anxiety at times and get paralyzed and unable to do anything. When I make plans with people and don’t show up, that is what happened. It’s not because I don’t want to hang out, it is that I can’t. I’m working on the issue though, and it seems to be getting better.

DATING:

Dating sucks! I go out on dates from time to time, but nothing ever seems to last. I have not had any significant relationships since I got divorced almost 5 years ago. I find something wrong with every girl that I have dated and the few that were really cool were also bat shit crazy. One girl lived 2 hours away and driving down to see her every weekend got to be a hassle. I don’t mind driving, but she would not reciprocate and come to Richmond.

My ex-wife and I still talk and are good friends, but she is dating someone now and has 3 kids now. I still care for her and only want good things for her. No “BUT” to follow that statement… She is pretty awesome, and definitely wish things had worked out differently. It is what it is now…

JENNY:

Jenny is the coolest dog ever! She definitely got me through my tough times and makes my day better when I get to see her after a long day of whatever. I really enjoy taking her to the park for walks at every opportunity. She wants to catch a squirrel so badly, she can taste it. Her life would be complete at that point.

I think she knows that I have been really sad lately and wants me to be happy.

So, I guess this is what is going on with me for the time being. I just felt like I needed to write something down. I want to expand on some of these subjects later.

Prayer

I recently read an article about a company that allows you to tweet prayers to the Western Wall in Jerusalem.  In theory, it works the same way as actually going to the Wall, praying there and then putting your written prayer into one of the cracks of the wall.  This got me to thinking about some of the things that one might pray about or for.  I’m sure that people pray for many personal reasons.  I have not REALLY prayed for quite a while.  I have not been to a synagogue in at least 2 years.  I have been selfish and not chosen to make the time to go.  That is my fault. 

There are many things in my life I would love to change.  For example:  I would love to have someone with whom I can share my life, I would love to have more money in my bank account, and I would love to be a better athlete to name a few; but are those things that you pray for?  I think they are very selfish and not very important in the grand scheme of things in the world.  Do you pray for the health of family?  What about peace?  What about an end to poverty? 

Does it make me a bad person if I do not know what I should pray about? 

 

 

 

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STUFF

The past few days have been relatively stressful for me dealing with my upcoming re-enlistment in the Army National Guard.  I tried to reenlist into my current unit; however they are 200% over strength in my current MOS (Military Occupational Specialty), so they are not able to offer me a re-enlistment bonus.  I am not willing to re-enlist without a bonus.  The bonus is fairly substantial and it very important to me that I get a bonus for re-enlisting.  I have a few different options to get a bonus:

1. Go to another unit that has an opening for my MOS.  The problem with that is that I would have to do some driving and I really am not a huge fan of driving.  
2. Change my MOS.  I would have to wait until I finish the MOS qualifying school before I got the bonus and then they would have to break it up into 3 portions over the term of my contract.

One option I have is to go to a unit that is getting deployed and get my bonus overseas and then it would be tax free.  I am thinking pretty hard about that option because I have been feeling the need to get away from my current situation for a while.  I have some of the best friends in the world and anyone that reads this knows how much I enjoy training.  I feel like I am just going through the motions of life right now and really just want a change.  

I have not really dated anyone since I got divorced.  I mean I dated, but nothing serious.  I feel like that is the only thing that my life is truly missing.  I know that if I go to Iraq, I will not have any opportunity to find anyone.  I think I would rather that then deal with the bullshit of trying to meet someone with limited time anyway.  

The cons of going to Iraq are many:

-          I might die!  Of course I could die in a car accident this afternoon…

-          I will not get to see my friends for a whole year

-          I will not get to see my dog Jenny & I would have to find someone to take care of her

-          I would not be able to train BJJ or Muay Thai or Crossfit.  I could probably find someone that does crossfit over there.

-          I’m sure there are others but I can’t think of them right now.

The pros of going to Iraq are:

-          I’d be able to save lots of money & get my bonus tax free!

-          I could stop drinking all together

-          Have a sense of honor

-          I could focus on my diet and get down to my goal weight.

I have some time before I need to make a decision, so I will be sure to make a good choice.  That’s all life is is a bunch of choices.

 

 

 

 

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5/18

I think I ate something bad during lunch yesterday because I felt awful when I got home last night.  I did not train BJJ last night because I went straight to bed.  I woke up about 9:30pm in cold sweats and a headache.  I checked my facebook and went back to bed. 

I feel much better this morning!  Tonight, I am scheduled to do Crossfit at 5pm and then I will probably go to Trey’s to do BJJ since I could not train last night. 

 

 

 

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SunTrust is a federally registered service mark of SunTrust Banks, Inc. Live Solid. Bank Solid. is a service mark of SunTrust Banks, Inc.
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